Page 34 - Ritz Issue 50

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34
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1. TICK FOR TACT.
It's late, raining, you've missed the last bus home and there's a strong smell of petrol. Suddenly, you encounter JENNIFER SHARPE up a dark alley.
Do you ...
a. Faint clean away? D
b. Shut your eyes and think of England?
c. Stroll casu~lly past and murmur "Aren't plums cheap"? D
Over high tea in Fortnum's, a usually reliable source of gossip lets rip with some particularly gruesome facts about-NICKY HASLAM which you know to be untrue.
After an attack of amnesia, you find yourself at a cocktail party in a DAVID SHILLING hat. Do you ...
a. Faint clean away? □ b. Pretend you caught it off a lavatory seat?
D
Which of the following most closely resembles PETER LANGAN?
a. JACK BUCHANf':JAN? □ b. PAUL NEWMAN? □ c. HERMIONE GINGOLD? □ d. A TIN OF SPAM? D
You are dining with JASPER CONRAN and he offers to pay the bill.
Do you ...
a. Faint clean away?
2. SPOT THE BALL.
The Four Just Men (But only just!) are trying
to spot the ball, can you?
Mark with a cross where you think it should be. •
3. WHODUNNIT7
Who ... created £12,000 worth of damage to Cipriani's swimming pool by heaving up his four course luncheon into the filter system?
Was it ...
a. SIR SACHEVERELLSITWELL? □ b. GRAHAM SUTHERLAND? D c. PETERLANGAN? D
WARNING! Don't be put off by GAVIN STAMP on the left. (I think he's teasing us!) Answers please in a large S.A.E. to PATRICK PROCKTOR, who is longing to know!
7. WHOSEDDIT7
"I like them fluffy. Not huffy or stuffy nor tiny nor tall, but fluffy, just fluffy, with no brains at all!"
Now was it ...
SIR A. P. HERBERT? □ or
STEPHENHAYTER? D
"Vocal no more, since Cambria's fatal day/ to high born Hoels Harp, or soft LLEWELL YN'S lay"
Was it ...
THOMAS GRAY? D or
WILLIAM HICKEY? □
"I drew my snickerseef"
Was it ...
SIR W. S. GILBERT? □ or
DAVID HOCKNEY? D
Do you ...
a. Believe them?
b. Pull them up for bad grammar?
c. Insist that _shes' not that kind of girl?
□ □ □
b. Faint clean away?
D
□.
D
□
~
Monday-Saturday
9am to
===•~===
11 pm.
Sunday
12 to
11 pm
8. NAME THAT NOSEi
Is it ...
a. THE ELEPHANT MAN? D b. BARBARA BROWNFIELD? D c. LEW GRADE? D d. FRANCES KYLE? D e. PINNOCHIO? D f. JAMES BIRCH? □
D
A recent item of gossip became distorted through the grapevine causing much amusement at the A.A.
Who ... was SELINA FELLOWS seen out drinking with?
Was it ...
a. TONY GROSS? b. TWO NEGROES?
Who wore the soppiest ball-gown at Longleat?
Was it ...
a. PATRICK KINMONTH?
4.
There are ten deliberate mistakes in this picture, can you spot them?
5. RUDE WORD GAME.
CHEAPESWTAYTO NEWYORK?
Fly the tube to Covent Garden Get a taste of Manhatten without leaving London.
"Ah, yes I wrote 'The Purple Cow' - I'm sorry now I wrote it! But I can tell you anyhow, /I'll kill you if you quote it!"
Was it ...
Our own Ice Cream Fresh Fruit Sorbets Patisserie
Charcuterie Salads
Large Deli Sandwiches featuring the famous
NEW YORK REUBEN
Today's key word in the rude word game is:
JASPERCONRAN
Can you find 83 or more rude words in the key word?
Average mark 83 or more ·rude words, time limit 2 minutes.
Yesterday's Rude Word: SEBASTIUNCONRAN
'-
Eat in or take-away
TOS sue NOB
AASE TIT TEAT coc CUNT BIT
0 ND 0
South Row, Central Market, Covent Garden
□
"I scent wich pays the best an' then, go into it, Baldheaded"
Was it. ..
JAMES RUSSELLLOWELL? D or
RICHARD YOUNG? D
"I go, I go, See how I go
Swifter than an arrow from a tartar's bow"
Was it ...
PUCK? □ or
TINA BROWN? D
"I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me"
Was it ...
ROBERTLOUIS STEVENSON? D or
BEN COLMAN? D
"It is a charming thing to totter into vogue" Was it ...
HORACEWALPOLE 4th EARL OF
ORFORD? □ or
PATRICK KINMONTH? □
"What hempen homespuns have we swaggering in here?"
Was it ...
A SHOP ASSISTANT
AT LAURA ASHLEY'S? D or
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE? □
"Out, out vile jelly, where is thy lustre now?" Was it ...
KING LEAR? □ or
ROBERTCARRIER? D
F. G. BURGESS?
or
NIGEL DEMPSTER? D